LOGAN, Utah – Multiple sources report that members of the Logan 127th Ward pooled their metallic accessories and forged a golden calf over a blazing, pew-fed fire.

Members say they simply got tired of waiting for the High Priest to finish his talk.

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“Look, we’ve done our waiting,” Jerry Sherman, a disgruntled, soot-covered member, said. “It was supposed to be seven to ten minutes long. SEVEN TO TEN MINUTES. Now look. Sunday School should have started 45 minutes ago. The Relief Society president is over there sharpening a spear.”

The ecclesiastical leader over the congregation, Bishop Rene Stocks, says this wasn’t the first time a meeting has turned out this way. “Yeah, this happened once before back when I was a kid. Strangely enough it involved the same High Priest,” he said.

Sunday meetings at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints generally include inspirational messages from pre-selected members, hymns and prayers. Members say fires and idol-building is usually kept to a minimum.

John Barnes was visiting the chapel this Sunday, invited by two LDS missionaries. “Everything started out great,” Barnes said, “but about 32 minutes into the man’s talk a sort of mania set in. The women began to tear out their hair. The men started ripping apart the pews. There was hysteric laughter. Then they all started taking off earrings, cufflinks, necklaces – anything metal – and they melted it before forming the calf.”

Barnes says he doesn’t plan on returning next week, but says the members’ artistry was “beyond its time”.

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