Church Meetings Editor's Pick LDS Pews

Congregation Forges Golden Calf After Lengthy High Priest Talk

LOGAN, Utah - Multiple sources report that members of the Logan 127th Ward pooled their metallic accessories and forged a golden calf over a blazing, pew-fed fire.

LOGAN, Utah – Multiple sources report that members of the Logan 127th Ward pooled their metallic accessories and forged a golden calf over a blazing, pew-fed fire.

Members say they simply got tired of waiting for the High Priest to finish his talk.

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“Look, we’ve done our waiting,” Jerry Sherman, a disgruntled, soot-covered member, said. “It was supposed to be seven to ten minutes long. SEVEN TO TEN MINUTES. Now look. Sunday School should have started 45 minutes ago. The Relief Society president is over there sharpening a spear.”

The ecclesiastical leader over the congregation, Bishop Rene Stocks, says this wasn’t the first time a meeting has turned out this way. “Yeah, this happened once before back when I was a kid. Strangely enough it involved the same High Priest,” he said.

Sunday meetings at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints generally include inspirational messages from pre-selected members, hymns and prayers. Members say fires and idol-building is usually kept to a minimum.

John Barnes was visiting the chapel this Sunday, invited by two LDS missionaries. “Everything started out great,” Barnes said, “but about 32 minutes into the man’s talk a sort of mania set in. The women began to tear out their hair. The men started ripping apart the pews. There was hysteric laughter. Then they all started taking off earrings, cufflinks, necklaces – anything metal – and they melted it before forming the calf.”

Barnes says he doesn’t plan on returning next week, but says the members’ artistry was “beyond its time”.

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3 comments on “Congregation Forges Golden Calf After Lengthy High Priest Talk

  1. Millie bell

    Priceless! Thank you.

    Like

  2. This is the best blog I have ever seen. Ever.

    Like

  3. Robert Layton

    The story I heard was that a transcontinental airliner was commandeered by terrorists. The terrorists separated the passengers into groups, the jews being the first to be killed, the Christians next and then the muslims that didn’t belong to their sect. Among the Christians they found three members of the LDS church. One was a returning missionary, one a primary president and one a high councilman. Knowing of the wealth of the LDS church they tried to ransom the three by calling church headquarters in Salt Lake City. Refusing to ransom the three, the terrorists gave them each one last wish before their execution. The Primary president requested to hear children singing primary songs. The high councilman asked to be allowed to preach his greatest sermon. The returning missionary requested to be shot right after the children sang.

    Like

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