JACKSON, Wyo – Local Elder’s Quorum member, Nathaniel Bracks, who never reads his scriptures, is tired of lessons about scripture reading, sources say.

“It’s just the same thing every single week,” Nathaniel said Sunday. “Go to church, say your prayers, read your scriptures. Yeah, yeah, yeah WE KNOW. I know the blessings. I know the results of not reading too, but trust me, my testimony is tight like unto a fish.”

Bracks says scripture reading, which church leaders encourage members to do daily, is OK, but he’s “got better things to do.”

“By small and simple things doth nothing come to pass,” Bracks said. “You can quote me on that. Chapter 12 of … the big book, I think.”

Bracks occasionally fulfills his calling as 4th Sunday Gospel Doctrine Instructor and makes a concentrated effort to ensure that his lessons are unique, deep and original every time.

“We learn all sorts of edifying stuff,” Jenny McFarson, another member who doesn’t read her scriptures, said, “The nature of premortal intelligence, the age of Earth and sometimes there’s even time left for Cain-Sasquatch theory.”


UPDATE: Bishop Arnold Hales of the Jackosn 5th Ward reports that three weeks after the publication of the above article, Nathaniel Bracks and his 4th Sunday Gospel Doctrine class separated themselves from the Church and have begun their own congregation, calling themselves Kolobites.