WEST JORDAN, Utah – Sister Martha Keys, 78, of Kennecott Ward is completely unaware that her supposed “discreet” flatulence is actually one hundred percent audible to all within a 20-foot radius of her rear, sources say.
According to leading gluteologists, the phenomenon is not an isolated incident. Senior citizens everywhere are at risk, but some members opine that the flatulence is particularly noticeable and odorous when it is passed during reverent Sunday meetings.
Members report that Sister Keys will frequently, but nonchalantly lean about 15 degrees to her right while seated in her pew and carefully emit a gentle yet fully audible air biscuit – sometimes two. She then appears to pretend that nothing happened.
“You can hear it from the pulpit,” Kennecott Ward Bishop Hank Freeman says. “Sometimes it even startles the speakers and they stumble over their words for a moment. It’s something that needs to be addressed.”
Some members speculate that Sister Keys is aware of her not-so-silent-but-still-deadly deeds but, given her advanced age, simply does not care. Those claims are, of course, speculative.
Brother Neil Harrison serves as the Ward Mission Leader and says the indiscretion poses a threat not only to nostrils ward-wide, but to missionary labor in the area as well.
“We just have to be vigilant,” Harrison told The Sunday Pews. “We have to be aware of where Sister Keys is sitting so we know where and where not to let investigators sit. The last thing we want is for someone’s first impression of the church to include a one-way trip through Sister Keys’ backdoor breeze.”
Sister Cassandra Hutchens is Sister Keys’ Relief Society President, Visiting Teacher and sits behind her during Sacrament Meeting. “What Sister Keys needs is love and inclusion,” she said. “What she doesn’t need is a bunch of deacons and high priests whispering behind her back, using inappropriate terms like the vapor caper, pucker chuckle and even Satan’s bugle.”
Ward leadership is turning to the public for advice on the best way to approach the subject in an upcoming interview scheduled with Sister Keys. Please leave your thoughts in the comments section.