SALT LAKE CITY – In an unexpected move that has sent shockwaves throughout the general membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, LDSLeaks has publicized classified information regarding the Brethren’s favorite dental hygiene paste.
According to the leaked documents, President Thomas S. Monson uses Pepsodent, President Henry B. Eyring uses Colgate and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf uses Arm & Hammer.
Backlash from the membership has been reprehensible and threatens to completely collapse the worldwide church.
“I just, I feel betrayed,” one disgruntled member who has long been looking for an excuse to leave the Church said. “Pepsodent? Really? It just shows how out of touch Church leaders really are. If he really is a prophet of God he should be using Crest like everyone else. I’m done.”
Another member who enjoys an occasional latte shared more theological concerns. “The First Presidency is supposed to be of one heart and one mind. If that is true, then how is it that all three of these men are using different brands of toothpaste? It really shakes your testimony,” the member said.
Representatives from The Sunday Pews have reached out to the Church for an official statement. Each leader has issued a short comment for publication:
President Thomas S. Monson:
“It’s true. Ever since I was a young boy my mother insisted that I use Pepsodent toothpaste. I can almost still hear her loving voice: ‘Oh Tommy, fetch the Pepsodent! Don’t forget to brush!’ It has been 76 years … but I still use it today. In fact, I used it just this morning. A new tube was opened. Fresh peppermint was savored. A smile was brightened.”
President Henry B. Eyring:
“I remember it like it was yesterday. As a young deacon, a righteous Priesthood leader placed his hand firmly on my shoulder and asked, ‘Henry, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?’ I dared not answer. He then slipped a small tube of Colgate into the pocket of my white shirt. This wise leader saw my teeth not as they were, but as they could become. From that day on I have always carried with me … *quiet sobs* … a small tube of Colgate MaxFresh.”
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf:
“Arm & Hammer is my brand of choice. Why? I will tell you. One evening while piloting a large aircraft from Berlin to Paris I suddenly realized I had forgotten to place my traditional toothpaste in my toiletry bag. My co-pilot soon came to my aid with a spare tube of Arm & Hammer toothpaste. The arm and hammer brought to my mind images of spiritual strength and fortitude. From that day forward I have never used another brand.”
While droves of members and critics of the Church have found fault in the leaders’ toothpaste choice, others have embraced the news.
Pepsodent stocks have quadrupled overnight.
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