LDS Pews Top Stories

LDSLeaks Reveals First Presidency’s Toothpaste Brand of Choice, Testimonies Crumbling Worldwide

SALT LAKE CITY - In an unexpected move that has sent shockwaves throughout the general membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, LDSLeaks has publicized classified information regarding the Brethren's favorite dental hygiene paste.

SALT LAKE CITY – In an unexpected move that has sent shockwaves throughout the general membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, LDSLeaks has publicized classified information regarding the Brethren’s favorite dental hygiene paste.

According to the leaked documents, President Thomas S. Monson uses Pepsodent, President Henry B. Eyring uses Colgate and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf uses Arm & Hammer.

Backlash from the membership has been reprehensible and threatens to completely collapse the worldwide church.

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“I just, I feel betrayed,” one disgruntled member who has long been looking for an excuse to leave the Church said. “Pepsodent? Really? It just shows how out of touch Church leaders really are. If he really is a prophet of God he should be using Crest like everyone else. I’m done.”

Another member who enjoys an occasional latte shared more theological concerns. “The First Presidency is supposed to be of one heart and one mind. If that is true, then how is it that all three of these men are using different brands of toothpaste? It really shakes your testimony,” the member said.

Representatives from The Sunday Pews have reached out to the Church for an official statement. Each leader has issued a short comment for publication:

President Thomas S. Monson:

“It’s true. Ever since I was a young boy my mother insisted that I use Pepsodent toothpaste. I can almost still hear her loving voice: ‘Oh Tommy, fetch the Pepsodent! Don’t forget to brush!’  It has been 76 years … but I still use it today. In fact, I used it just this morning. A new tube was opened. Fresh peppermint was savored. A smile was brightened.”

President Henry B. Eyring:

“I remember it like it was yesterday. As a young deacon, a righteous Priesthood leader placed his hand firmly on my shoulder and asked, ‘Henry, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?’ I dared not answer. He then slipped a small tube of Colgate into the pocket of my white shirt. This wise leader saw my teeth not as they were, but as they could become. From that day on I have always carried with me … *quiet sobs* … a small tube of Colgate MaxFresh.”

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

“Arm & Hammer is my brand of choice. Why? I will tell you. One evening while piloting a large aircraft from Berlin to Paris I suddenly realized I had forgotten to place my traditional toothpaste in my toiletry bag. My co-pilot soon came to my aid with a spare tube of Arm & Hammer toothpaste. The arm and hammer brought to my mind images of spiritual strength and fortitude. From that day forward I have never used another brand.”

 

While droves of members and critics of the Church have found fault in the leaders’ toothpaste choice, others have embraced the news.

Pepsodent stocks  have quadrupled overnight.


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[All articles on this website are satirical in nature and purely for your entertainment.]

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13 comments on “LDSLeaks Reveals First Presidency’s Toothpaste Brand of Choice, Testimonies Crumbling Worldwide

  1. Great article! Especially the statements from the Brethren haha

    Like

  2. What?? No mention of Crest? I’m on my knees for direction.

    Like

  3. The Mean Farmer

    I will never brush again

    Like

  4. The real question is what brand of toothpaste translated beings use. If they can’t answer that then…well, how can they be prophets?

    Like

  5. Papa Nolie

    ” You’ll wonder where the ‘devil’ went, when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Holly Osburn

    What does it matter what kind of toothpaste our leaders use? As long as the toothpaste works, and does the job, then that is their choice.

    Like

  7. Hi David, it is fun that you post funny and punny articles for the members, a great source of entertainment. This article however strikes a cord – one you likely unintentionally hit upon. The worrding and language in several places mirrors actual words and arguments that church leaders have used to dismiss much more serious matters.

    Like

  8. The article is funny in the second half, I don’t think you are aware of how bits in the first few paragraphs can hurt – it is subtly dismissive like saying someone was looking for a reason to leave or the other member lost their testimony due to occasional sinful indulgence – because those are the only reasons to leave right? No actual issues… I do however quite enjoy the quoted remarks of the church leaders at the end 😁

    Like

  9. Alisha, this is not serious stuff. It is quite funny. The author is talented at finding the word patterns people use and duplicating them just enough to make me laugh.
    Do you know that the use of word patterns is one proof of the Book of Mormon being written by individuals and not one single person. Here is a person who recognizes those word patterns in our lovely prophet and counselors and uses them as a play.
    To me it is a bit like Yankee Doodle. The British tried to degrade the soldiers in the Revolutionary War by calling them Yankee Doodles. Instead the Revolutionary soldiers adopted the name themselves. Abe Lincoln did a similar thing. People claimed he was nothing but a country bumpkin. His theme song then became a delight little ditty about “Old Abe Lincoln he came out of the wilderness.” It is good to laugh a little. Back to listening to conference now, I’ve had my laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Very clever. Thanks for putting a smile on my face!

    Like

  11. Maybe /Sensodyne makes us more sensitive to the spirit!

    Like

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