LDS Pews Missionaries Uncategorized

Missionaries Find Isolated All-Male Tribe of Chair-Stacking Enthusiasts, Baptisms Skyrocket

CAMBODIA - March 15th was just a normal day for two humble missionaries scouring the Cambodian bush for new investigators, but the moment they stumbled upon two towering monoliths of stacked chairs they knew they were onto something extraordinary.

CAMBODIA – March 15th was just a normal day for two humble missionaries scouring the Cambodian wilderness for new investigators, but the moment they stumbled upon two towering monoliths of stacked chairs they knew they were onto something extraordinary.

bayon-temple-934071_1920

In an exclusive Skype interview with The Sunday Pews, Elder Timmons and Elder Carlson recounted their experience:

“Beyond the monoliths we found an isolated but extremely sophisticated tribe of indigenous men who had obviously been well prepared to receive the teachings of the gospel,” Elder Timmons said, who then gently leaned back and looked at his companion.

“Every culture has its quirks, its customs,” Elder Carlson continued. “To outsiders sometimes they may seem odd or hard to understand, but we felt an immediate connection with this micro society.”

“They stack chairs,” Elder Timmons said. “They stack chairs all day long. They send out scouting parties into the jungle every day who come back in the evening carrying even more chairs to stack. They know it, they live it, they love it.”

The missionaries report that the tribe, which the public is calling the Stackites, were brought to tears after visiting their first Priesthood meeting in the local cultural hall.

“After the meeting ended they came to a realization of the true purpose of a Latter-day Saint man – to stack chairs,” Elder Carlson said. “All 248 of them were baptized last week.”

The local bishop says he’s never seen anything like it. “It’s truly a miracle,” he said. “Our chair-stacking power has grown tenfold and these faithful new members are the reason. I’d trust any of them with an entire Stake Conference-worth of chairs. They’re just those kind of brethren.”

The effort to fully decipher the Stackite language is ongoing, but scholars are confident that written Stackite records indicate the existence of a corresponding lost female tribe said to be “expert at crafting tabletop centerpieces.”

Advertisements

The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

2 comments on “Missionaries Find Isolated All-Male Tribe of Chair-Stacking Enthusiasts, Baptisms Skyrocket

  1. Oh my goodness hahahahahahaha LOVED this one!!!

    Like

  2. So now I know where my husband’s ancestors came from. He is definately one of this family. Likely on both his mother and father’s side. Our children come from good stock, they got it on my dad’s side, too.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: