STATE OF UTAH – Sources close to upper leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints report that a new pestilence is upon the land of Zion – 40 years of incessant, unforgiving road work.
Utahns statewide have been quick to repent in an effort to end the construction before it intensifies, but according to alleged prophecy from the Utah Department of Transportation and Brother J. Bieber, “It’s too late now to say sorry.”
But many Utahns are unsure exactly what to be sorry for.
“It could be anything,” one Provo resident said. “Maybe it’s the fry sauce. The amount of fry sauce I consume is definitely not in accordance with the Word of Wisdom.”
“University Avenue looks like it’s been through a meat grinder,” another resident said. “It’s a nightmare of biblical proportions. Traffic, early-morning noise, chaos and destruction everywhere. Send the flies. Send the frogs. Send the Jehovah’s Witnesses for all I care – anything but construction. My testimony just can’t handle it.”
The Sunday Pews is receiving updates on the pestilence daily. A family in Sandy reported waking up to traffic cones blocking every exit to their house this morning, and a vest-clad traffic director standing in their bathroom policing the toilet with a ‘Stop/Slow’ sign.
While some Utahns of the older generation may not live to see a land without traffic cones and high-visibility vests, their hope for the youth shines bright.
“We’ve made our decisions,” Lehi resident and respected physician Benjamin Brooks, 71, said, “and now we’re suffering the consequences. It was only a matter of time. It’s too late for us, but my grandchildren will see the promised land.”