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Church Announces New Primary Session of General Conference

SALT LAKE CITY - A spokesman from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the addition of a new session of General Conference specific to Primary-aged children.

SALT LAKE CITY – A spokesman from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the addition of a new session of General Conference specific to Primary-aged children.

Immediately after the announcement the Church released details about the upcoming session, which included the anticipated schedule for the two-hour meeting. What follows is an excerpt from that release:

“All children ages three through eleven are welcome at the session. Considering the unique nature of such a young audience, the Church feels that the Primary Session should be as accommodating to the children’s needs as possible.

As such, the session will take place on Saturday, April 1st at a time when most younger children are awake anyway – 5:30 to 7:30 AM. Children that plan on attending the live session should be dropped off by their parents outside the Conference Center at least 30 minutes before the session begins. Tickets are required.

General Authorities and leaders of the Church will address the youth as they do in traditional sessions, but messages will address age-appropriate topics such as reverence, prayer and the often misunderstood relationship between popcorn and apricot trees.

A brief nap time will take place in lieu of the intermediate musical number, after which the General Officers of the Church will lead the children in a brief rendition of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ to help get their wiggles out, and the children’s too.”

 

Additional Resources:

The Church has produced three exclusive coloring sheets for each child in attendance (available for download online) that illustrate various scripture stories including timeless scenes from 2 Kings 2: 23-24.

 


 

This article is just satire (it’s NOT true) but in all reality, General Conference is just around the corner. Are you ready? Everyone prepares a little differently, but we invite you to view Conference with specific personal questions in mind. As you listen with pure intent, you’ll find answers to those questions, but don’t just take our word for it.

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35 comments on “Church Announces New Primary Session of General Conference

  1. ” to help get their wiggles out, and the children’s too.” !!!!! HAHAHA!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Caryn M.

    I love the “timeless scenes from 2 Kings 2:23-24” 😂😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Will this be aired live on the BYU channel like the other sessions of conference?

    Like

  4. Seriously???

    Liked by 1 person

  5. purplecraze

    this is awesome!! thanks, i’ll be using this all week! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Besides popcorn 🍿 and apricots will they be serving any other treats? We particularly love goldfish crackers and cheez-its.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sandra Barnhart

    Time for parents dump off the darlings and head to the breakfast bar at Up-Chuck a Rama!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m still laughing!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I wish they would bring back mid-week primary. Our children so need that mid-week encouragement of a safe place to go and learn about Jesus during the middle of their week.

    Like

  10. BilleeJean Marquiss

    This is so cute. Someone has a great sense of humor.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Mary Lofley

    Really….nice thought!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Susan Bockoven

    I believe this could be amazing as children of God to feel included. These are tomorrow’s leaders. This church is for everyone, children included! I’d love to watch if aired as I too am a child of God and I learn as a child through love, and example. If you’re upset about this what does that say about you?!? I’ve been almost 40 years and if not for my testimony I’d of left many times as others tried to force their beliefs on me. As I was divorced in the 90s, I didn’t fit in anywhere in my ward. Now remarried I make sure everyone I meet feels loved and welcomed.

    Like

    • Dearest Susan,

      I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that you’re certainly loved and welcomed here! The bad news is that you’ve been April Fools’d. Hope this doesn’t ruin your day.

      TSP Admin

      Like

  13. Lynn Pack

    Not even funny, why would you do this on such a sacred thing like conferenc

    Like

    • Rachel B.

      I’ve always believed that God himself has a sense of humor. Yes, conference is sacred, but even the apostles will tell jokes during their talks. As Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley said…Life is to be enjoyed. 🙂

      Like

  14. What a chuckle. This could be called Mormon Fake News.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. My children are NOT awake at 5:30 am on any day of the week.

    Like

  16. Happy in Colorado

    Don’t forget gluten free snacks, time for potty breaks, and turns for the kids to help with the music.

    Like

  17. Oh my gosh… hilarious … I love your humor, we need more of it in the world!
    Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Becky Angus

    😂😂😂😂😂

    Like

  19. Deborah Holt

    Thought it was real, was so impressed, then we saw the “toothpaste brand” and “home teaching roll-over”, and started laughing!! You have made our Conference weekend a lot more fun!! Lots of room for a sense of humour in this world. Even Heavenly Father has one- check out the earthly flora and fauna!

    Like

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  21. So creative! I was sucked in until I saw it starts at 5:30 am; hilarious!

    Like

  22. Roberta Szoka

    And did you know the refrain to “O Thou Rock of Our Salvation” was rewritten to help drive home the scripture lesson from 2 Kings? The new refrain now goes: “Keep a watch for mother bears, lest you all get torn to bits. Every day some bald head’s fairer, not respecting is the pits!”

    Like

  23. catherineh

    This was too funny and Ive been laughing tears so hard that now they are stinging…lol! I am loving it…I needed a good laugh and you do not have to be from the Mountain Colonies to appreciate it, thanks for including us in your humor Sunday Pews!

    Years ago I told a joke in RS from Mormonisms and the Bishop’s wife almost had a hernia! So I told her that Heavenly Father laughs and so does Heavenly Mother! She looked like she ate her hymnal!

    Keep it up! We need this, too many members are too serious!

    Liked by 1 person

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