SCRANTON, Penn. – A local emeritus deacon’s quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Parents of 14-year-old Dustin Taylor deny the allegations, saying the accusations are groundless and “flippin’ ridiculous”.

Ward members disagree.

“What kind of 14-year-old casually uses the word ‘theologian’?” one ward member said. “Dustin couldn’t even pronounce it, and we’re supposed to believe he wrote it? I don’t think so.”

When The Sunday Pews confronted Brother and Sister Taylor about the unusually advanced diction, Brother Taylor responded:

“Yeah but did you hear how he ended the talk? He said, ‘I weawy weawy wove the gospow’. That’s obviously kid-level language and totally compensates for any advanced language you’d expect from a modern theologian,” he said.

Bishop Matthew Sandler is reviewing the case. Dustin, if found guilty, could face up to one mild-mannered warning to try not to forget next time.

The ward clerk has submitted several other suspicious phrases to the bishop as evidence, including:

“…subsequent diaspora…”

“…penultimate dispensation…”

and “…then say you love your parents a lot and eat this paper so no one will find it.”



This satirical article will probably hit close to home for some parents, but isn’t it just amazing that kids as young as 12 years old teach entire congregations throughout this worldwide Church every week? That’s crazy awesome!