UMATILLA, Ore. – Newly ordained Priest Timothy Sterling, or as his fellow quorum members refer to him, “The GOAT“, totally smashed his Candy Crush record during Saturday night’s stake dance, sources say.

Chaperones report that while most youth sat awkwardly in the dimly lit cultural hall tapping their feet to Mambo #5 and staring nervously at the nearest member of the opposite gender, Sterling gallantly slipped into the foyer and set out to achieve something greater.

“I haven’t beaten my record for two years,” Sterling said, “so when Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On came on I knew what I had to do.”

But Sterling’s journey was not without obstacles. “There are 13 Laurels in the ward and only 3 Priests,” Young Women’s president Jennifer Fanning said, “so naturally Tim had to reject several offers to dance before breaking his record.”

After years of lessons on how to deal with adversity, Sterling says turning the young women down came naturally. “It’s not an easy thing to do, but it just comes down to priorities. I just had to suck it up, be a man and stick to my guns – or thumbs, I guess,” he said.

But Sterling was not the only youth avoiding the basketball-court-turned-dance-floor. Sources report that youth were discovered hiding out en masse throughout the building, including a certain Nick Snell who spent the duration of the stake dance sitting on the floor of the men’s bathroom.



This article is just satire (except that part about Nick), but to all the youth out there reading this, in the words of Sister Lee Ann Womack:

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.