PRESTON, Idaho — “I read the fetchin’ Book of Mormon, and dang it all to heck, it’s freakin’ true.”
Sources say that’s how 25-year-old Damien Johnson started his talk on Sunday. What followed were, in Bishop Jared Flenderson’s words, “a very uncomfortable seven to ten minutes”.
Members say Johnson peppered his entire message with various nearly-offensive terms, including several fetches, hecks and one rather exclamatory Nicolas Cage.
“You just never know who will get offended,” Bishop Flenderson said. “I thought about asking him to stop using such crude language, but I was afraid that in doing so I would offend more people by setting the precedent that those are inappropriate words. I was caught between a rock and a catch-22.”
Newly ordained Deacon, David Stints, serves in the ward as that kid who sits vigilantly by the bishop to occasionally pass notes to people and stuff, and says the tension in the chapel was “as thick as Brother Rudemacher’s back hair.”
“As assistant to the bishop, I’ve already counseled him several times to install a trapdoor under the pulpit for situations just like these,” he said.
Despite the mounting pressure to intervene, Bishop Flenderson refrained from cutting the talk short.
Johnson’s mother, Sister Gina Johnson, says Damien has a history of testing boundaries.
“Years ago after a Primary lesson about the Word of Wisdom he went out and bought a bunch of coffee-flavored jellybeans. He drinks Red Bull all the time. He earned his Eagle Scout the day before he turned 18,” she said. “His father and I were hoping it was just a phase.”
In an attempt to ease the tension after the meeting with humor, sources say Bishop Flenderson’s counselor, who was conducting the meeting, concluded by saying, “We’d like to thank those that spoke today. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all had one [H-E-double-hockey-sticks] of a spiritual feast.”
Hopefully by now you’re realized that this article is completely satirical. On the bright side, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not and it’s available to you no matter how colorful your vocabulary might be.