TSP NEWSROOM—It has come to the attention of the staff that members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are largely uneducated when it comes to the subtle variations between common coffee products.
What follows is a helpful guide which describes what each coffee term means so simply that even a Sunbeam could understand.
We’ll start with the basics. Think of coffee as an elite form of drinkable dirt. First, organic matter (beans) are crushed into a soil-like consistency. Next, hot water is poured through the dirt, extracting its rich flavor in the process. Then, you drink it.
While coffee dirt is about the consistency of sand, espresso dirt is a much finer, higher-class form of dirt. Espresso is oftentimes taken in shots, because if allowed to sit for longer than a few seconds, espresso dirt settles and tastes like a much lower class of dirt.
Be aware that espresso is often confused with expresso. The confusion is derived from a less-well-known brand of cereal sponsored by the United States Postal Service: Express-Os.
This is a form of espresso that is disguised by milk. The fun of blowing bubbles in your own milk is stripped from you as a machine will froth your milk for you. The frothed milk is poured over the espresso, commonly accompanied by an artistic design topping the beverage.
Cappuccino drinkers are required to have an Instagram account, as it is strong encouraged that you post a photo of your beverage online before drinking.
Photos are often accompanied by captions such as, “Needed this today. #Cappu,” or “*Insert completely tangential inspirational quote here* #Blessed,” or even “The quality of my day is heavily dependent on whether or not I drink coffee every morning, which is probably a real problem, but look how cute it is. #AtLeastItsNotCocaine #SilverLining.”
A macchiato is a cuppuccino in which the liquid milk is missing, leaving only espresso and milk froth. A favorite for lactose intolerant persons who like to live life on the edge.
A latte is an even more milked-down version of a cappuccino (AKA an espresso dirt shot with a lot of milk, including the pre-bubbled froth on top). Apparently, saying “cappuccino with extra milk” was too easy.
A latte macciato is essentially a cappuccino, but the espresso is poured onto the milk bubbles, instead of the other way around. It should just be called an oniccuppac.
A Frappuccino (trademarked by Starbucks) is basically the adult version of a child’s dirt cup dessert. You’ve got your coffee, but you’ve also got some chocolate syrup, whipped cream, ice, etc. Unlike many other coffee beverages, Frappuccinos are served cold.
Derived from the French verb for “to hit” (frapper), a Frappuccino is a punch to the blood sugar your diabetes will never forget.
Contrary to popular belief, a burrito isn’t a coffee beverage at all. It is a common menu item in Mexico, consisting of a combination of various meats, beans (but not coffee) and cheeses wrapped in a delicious tortilla. It is oftentimes served with chips and joy.
A mocha is basically a cappuccino (espresso + milk) with chocolate flavoring. Also known as a mocachino or mochaccino. Not to be confused with a moccasino, which is a cappuccino served in vintage footwear worn by indigenous Native Americans.
For a more comprehensive list of coffee product definitions/descriptions, click here.
This article is just satire, but it’s true that Mormons don’t drink coffee. Weird, right? If you’re wondering why that’s the case, click here. If you have further questions, click here to chat with a real-life Mormon.