Addictions come in many forms. Some are serious and seemingly impossible to overcome. Some are more subtle and ultimately benign.
Here are seven addictions relevant to Latter-say Saints that you may be affected by, and that need to be eradicated.
1. Asking the singles why they’re not married yet
This question is a sickness ravaging congregations across the globe. It is usually intended as a compliment, meant to be interpreted as, “You’re legitimately an awesome person, it’s not you, it’s them.” It doesn’t come across that way. All too often it is interpreted as, “Wow, you’re like 27 now aren’t you? You don’t even have a girlfriend? What the heck are you doing wrong? Well are you putting yourself out there?”
2. Asking for a volunteer to say closing prayer
This is just as damaging to you as it is for your class, but mark my words when I say there are only two possible outcomes—all painful:
- That one guy who always says the prayer volunteers.
- There is a heavy moment of awkward silence and downcast eyes until someone finally looks up with determination in their brow and declares …
Back when the Church and Boy Scouts were besties, I took the Emergency Preparedness merit badge. I was taught that when there’s an emergency situation you’re supposed to single someone out directly and ask them to call 911 instead of throwing out an ethereal, “somebody call 911!” or an even more passive example: “Can I please get a volunteer to call 911?”
Ask someone specific to say the prayer. It’s the easiest way to overcome this debilitating addiction,
3. Singing louder than everyone else. Combined.
The first time is fun, but then the attention goes straight to your head. Nobody stops you because it’s Sacrament Meeting and people are trying to be Christlike. They’re trying to develop patience and by gosh if you’re not giving them that opportunity. We love you. We support your desire to quit. So, please do. Sing like a normal person.
4. Dedicating time and effort to centerpieces
This may seem harmless—but that’s your addiction talking. There is help available. Stop worrying about this now before you end up like these two sisters.
5. Giving WAY too much personal information in your testimony
This is called a tesTMIony (see what I did there?).
I fail to realize how the skin tag colony festering behind your knee has any relevance to your testimony. It’ll be hard to break this addiction all at once (nervous situations tend to bring out the weird in us), but when you find yourself relapsing, just pull a Hagrid and finish up before it gets worse.
6. Doing you home/visiting teaching on the last day of the month
“Oh, what’s that? You care about me? You want to be my friend? You’re not just here to check off a box and avoid getting chastised by your leaders?” … … …
7. Ending a talk with, “In the name of thy son…”
It’s OK, nobody blames you. It happens to the best of us. Nobody is mad at you, they’re just giggling a little bit because your talk is supposed to be directed at the congregation, not God—though I’m sure He loved it, too. Just be more careful next time.
Did we miss any? Let us know of any other less-well-known LDS addictions you can think of in the comments.
This article is just for your entertainment. These are a few of my pet peeves that I think you might relate with as members of the LDS Church. This article is not meant to marginalize the seriousness of real addictions, but rather poke fun at some of the strange habits/traditions that some members fall into (myself included).