REXBURG, Idaho—In a stunning announcement from BYU-I administration, the university’s controversial Honor Code now bans students from wearing “clothing of any kind” on campus.

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BYU-I spokesman Randy Stevens broke the news at an unexpected press conference this morning.

“In the past, Brigham Young University, Idaho, has prohibited students from wearing capris, flip flops and shorts. Acceptable pantwear could not be patched, faded, frayed, torn or show virtually any sign of previous use whatsoever,” Stevens said. “This policy was set in place decades ago in order to promote a professional workplace environment. After years of ridicule and criticism, the administration has decided to revoke clothing privileges entirely.”

Tweet about farmer tansBacklash from the public has taken the form of resigned sarcasm as students say they’re “not surprised by anything anymore.” The hashtag #BYUIgate is trending.

A subsequent statement from the university gives additional reasoning to support the change:

“BYU-Idaho strives for equality and clone-like homogeneity amongst its students. The old dress code failed to meet those goals. Students simply had too much freedom,” the statement says. “It became clear that the only way to ensure a crisp, uniform appearance, was to require complete nudity.”

Stevens called for a brief Q-and-A after the press conference. He addressed the following questions:

Q: Won’t thousands of clothes-less hormonal students cause problems in other areas of the BYU-I Honor Code?

A: This has also been a concern of the administration. In addition to the new ban on all clothing, students will also be required to look straight up at all times while on campus. It has always been the policy of BYU-I to encourage students to cast their mind’s eye to the heavens, it only makes sense to require them to cast their literal eyes there as well.

Q: Has the administration even considered simply teaching the students correct principles and then letting them govern themselves in terms of what clothes to wear?

A: *Stevens laughs mockingly*. Next question.

Q: Brother Stevens, I’m a reporter for the school newspaper. I love this school and will abide by the dress and grooming standards, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it, just as I love living in the United States but do not agree with all of its laws. I want to be here and I love the education I’m receiving. That being said, can you provide one solid, leak-free reason that justifies these policies?

A: Thank you for your honesty. And honestly, if it weren’t for these controversies, no one would know Rexburg exists. From a certain point of view this policy is a marketing technique.

Q: Rumors have been circulating that, similar to Mr. Pulitzer in the hit musical ‘Newsies,’ BYU-I refuses to ease up on the dress code as a statement to its students that they have no power to affect change. Can you address those rumors?

A: Those rumors are essentially correct.

Q: Many have justifiably compared Rexburg to the Star Wars ice planet, Hoth. How is the university preparing for the frostbite and hypothermia that is sure to result from this new policy?

A: This is not an official announcement, but the administration has been playing with the idea of allowing each student to wear one BYU-I approved scarf in the winter months. It would be available for purchase in the bookstore for $75 dollars along with a prescription from a doctor and visual confirmation of the so-called “frostbite.”

 

Q: BYU-Provo is world-renowned for its strict dress code, but even they allow shorts and flip-flops. Do you believe the BYU-Provo administration is wrong for doing that?

A: We based our decisions off of completely logical statistics. Individuals that wear shorts are 75% more likely to have tan legs. Where do people get tans? Out in the sun. What kind of people spend a lot of time in the sun? Drifters. Hobos. Hitchhikers. We wanted our students to strive for something greater, and pants were the way to get there.

Q: BYU-Provo banned facial hair decades ago because it was associated with the drug culture of the time—a culture that BYU did not want to appear to promote. Is there similar reasoning behind the past ban on shorts?

A: We want students to wear professional attire to school. Shorts do not look professional.

Q: But students are allowed to wear sweats and T-shirts. That’s not very professional either. Can you address that?

A: Well you don’t have to worry about that anymore because the only thing students will be wearing on campus from now on is their birthday suit.

Q: Some of your rules are great, but some are ridiculous, and if it weren’t for the low-priced quality education and LDS environment I wouldn’t be caught de–

A: Jessie, you’re not a reporter. Come on, get back to class. Somebody get this guy outta here. *Taser fires*. Sorry about that, folks.

Q: Why has the administration been so concerned with capris in the past? Surely they can’t be more inappropriate than, say, a Whinnie the Pooh onsie, which would have been allowed, right?

A: There is a fine line between capris and shorts. It’s just a slippery slope, OK? If women are allowed to wear capris, the men will want to wear capri-pants. Pretty soon they’ll be out on the streets smoking fidget spinners. We wanted to stay far away from that line.

Q: Will guest speakers visiting the university be required to abide by this new policy as well?

A: No. They will, however, be able to enjoy not having to imagine that their audience is naked.

Q: If everyone on campus is forced to look straight up at all times, how will anyone known if the new dress code is being obeyed?

A: … Dang it.

Additional changes:

The university also took advantage of the press conference to announce further changes, including the following:

  • In order to further separate students from the world, the following common and carelessly used words are also prohibited: it, the, are, revolution, you’ve, got, to, be, kidding, me, and of course, Voldemort.
  • To further promote a professional environment, students will carry briefcases and coffee-less coffee mugs instead of backpacks and water bottles.
  • BYU-I has also adopted an official fight song, which can be found below:

 

This article is satirical. We admit, maybe we got a little bit dramatic there over something fairly inconsequential. The greatness of BYU-Idaho far outweighs the strangeness of some of its policies. We recommend it for anyone seeking higher education or who has an irrational fear of shorts.


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