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‘Uh Sorry, Where Are We?’ Says Brother in Gospel Doctrine When Asked to Read

NEPHI, Utah—An 11-readers-long scripture snake was abruptly halted today after one brother was caught "off-guard" when it came to his turn to read.

NEPHI, Utah—An 11-readers-long scripture snake was abruptly halted today after one brother was caught “off-guard” when it came to his turn to read.

Sources seated behind the man report that while he was attempting to give off the impression that he was diligently following along, he was actually scrolling through funny cat memes.

When confronted by The Sunday Pews about his lack of preparation to read, the man claimed his Gospel Library app simply crashed. When confronted with the information from the witnesses, his story changed and he admitted to the aforementioned meme browsing.

cat memes
Experts agree that cat memery is one of the leading causes of distraction at church.

Emeritus third Sunday Gospel Doctrine teacher Stanley Wilkinson says it’s a sad case he’s seen all too often over his five years of on-and-off experience.

“Frankly I don’t understand it. The teacher clearly says ‘OK let’s just read one verse at a time and snake around the room like this’ *insert curvy hand gesture*. This guy today watched eleven other people read before it was his turn and somehow he wasn’t prepared,” Wilkinson said. “Cat memes or not, there’s simply no excuse for it.”

Brigham Young University professor and expert on sociosundayschool dynamics Frederick Hans says that since the rise of smartphones back in the 2010s, lack of participatory awareness has increased by 79-percent in the United States.

“It’s a growing epidemic in the Church,” Hans said, “and obviously one of Satan’s more subtle tactics. The flaxen cord of cat memery is not only addictive, but contagious. It’s a slippery slope, and one that threatens to stagnate Gospel Doctrine classes worldwide. In time, faithful members may be forced to find other means of spiritual nourishment, like the Family History class. And let’s be honest, nobody wants to end up there.”

 


 

This article is just satire, but seriously, distracting cell phone usage is a problem in Sunday School. I’m as guilty as any other members, but let’s all just try a little harder next week to pay a little more attention. #Blessed.

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The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

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