AMERICAN FORK, Utah—Sister Samantha Grimes, 28, is recovering from a gastric ulcer reportedly caused by an overbearing local Relief Society.

The Sunset Drive East Ward Relief Society is widely known for consistently “looking beyond the mark” when it comes to compassionate service amongst the sistren.

“I get a plate of cookies from a different pair of sisters every week, without fault,” one sister told The Sunday Pews, wishing to remain anonymous. “They always come with Hallmark-worthy notes like ‘You’re so loved!’ or ‘Thanks for being you!’ I think they think I’m inactive. I go to church every week. Maybe it’s because I’m single. Or because I sit in the back of the chapel. It’s just so passive aggressive … I’m so confused.”

Several sisters have come forward claiming to be completely unnecessary bullet points on the Ward Council’s agenda, but have not been able to gather enough evidence to be sure.

Sister Samantha Grimes says she’s been a victim of overly-sympathetic sisters for all too long. It’s a claim that doctors say has manifested itself in a quarter-sized gastric ulcer.

“My dog died a year and a half ago,” she said, “and I’ve never heard the end of it. Sisters are still bringing me meals. I have a freezer so full of tuna casseroles that I had to start donating them to the homeless. Sisters have asked me to dog-sit for them every weekend since Sparky died. I mean, condolences and support are great, but I had that dog for like three weeks. It pooped everywhere. Too be completely honest, I wasn’t even that sad when he passed.”

Sister Grimes, who the Relief Society president describes as “kind,” “loving” and “so strong,” spent two nights in the hospital for treatment. Her stay continued for six more nights after Grimes claims the sisters began to organize and take hourly shifts sitting at her bedside singing hymns, and speaking to her in soft, hushed tones. Doctors say Grimes attempted to escape, but the strain caused her ulcer to bleed, necessitating more hospital time.

According to hospital records, the bleeding ulcer did necessitate a minor surgical procedure. Sister Grimes is expected to fully recover. Her bishop, Phillip Cook, says her fortitude in the face of adversity is inspiring. “I feel prompted to extend to her a calling that will not only bless her life, but the life of every other sister in the ward,” he said.

 


 

This article is satirical. Despite the teasing tone of what is written, the Relief Society is a truly magnificent organization that provides invaluable service to women worldwide. Some wards might try a little too hard, but we know your heart is in the right place.

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