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Temple Attendance Triples in Preparation for Holy War

"Temples across Utah have seen an unprecedented amount of traffic over the past week. The Brethren had hoped this influx was due to a renewed effort to perform saving ordinances for deceased ancestors, but analysts confirm that the more likely cause is the 'Holy War' football game between BYU and Utah."

PROVO, Utah—Brigham Young University and the University of Utah are going head to head tonight, and fans are taking the rivalry football game very seriously.

The Temple Attendance Committee of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released the following statement this morning:

“Temples across Utah have seen an unprecedented amount of traffic over the past week. The Brethren had hoped this influx was due to a renewed effort to perform saving ordinances for deceased ancestors, but analysts confirm that the more likely cause is the ‘Holy War’ football game between BYU and Utah.”

You can read the rest of the statement here.

BYU Professor Kevin Jones, who studies the relationship between sports and religion, says that “the temple statistics are not surprising, especially considering BYU’s embarrassing offensive performance in their match against Louisiana State University last weekend. Fans have come to realize that it’ll take a miracle to beat Utah. The temple is the natural place for them to turn at this point.”

LSU recently defeated BYU 27-0, a loss that challenged the testimonies of BYU fans nationwide.

While BYU’s coaching staff admits their offense could use some work, they say they’ve got an ace up their sleeve.

“I can’t give you all the details of our new strategy yet,” one coach, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “but it may have something to do with our band playing The Imperial March song from Star Wars over and over and over again until it drives Utah’s players insane.”

On the other side of the coin, Utah coaches say that, more than anything else, they’re simply training their players to hang onto the ball for the appropriate amount of time.

BYU and Utah are scheduled to play tonight, September 9th, at 8 PM, Mountain Time.

 


 

This article is satirical. Everyone in my family is a die-hard Utah fan, I graduated from the Y earlier this year. They’re both great schools. Let’s have a good, clean game and have some fun.

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The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

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