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LDS Pews

March Madness Takes on New Meaning in Mormondom

LOGAN, Utah—While the attention of the nation has recently been drawn to the NCAA’s annual college championship, in carpeted cultural halls throughout the country, a similar showdown is taking place.

LOGAN, Utah—While the attention of the nation has recently been drawn to the NCAA’s annual college championship, in carpeted cultural halls throughout the country, a similar showdown is taking place.

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Church ball: A time for wards to come together to have the opportunity to develop Christ-like attributes.

Known informally as “Mormon March Madness,” the tournament saw its biggest upset in years on Thursday night when the Anchorage 2nd Ward Ammonites came out of nowhere to achieve a resounding victory against their opponents. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a spokesman for the Spokane 3rd Ward Sheep Scatterers from his hospital wing, where he and his entire team lay in double-arm casts. “I’m still counting my blessings, though. We may have lost the game, but at least we weren’t…defeeted.”

Both the Louisville 2nd Ward Lamanites and the Los Angeles 19th Ward Lemuelites lost their matches against the New Orleans 1st Ward Nephites and their sister team, the Shreveport Sams, on the first day of the event. They’re still complaining about it three days later.

The San Francisco 12th Ward Shiz and the West Columbia 1st Ward Coriantumrs went into a record-breaking septuple overtime, with all the players fouling out except their captains. The captain for San Francisco went on to suffer a debilitating neck injury, leading West Columbia to win by default.

Many brackets are projecting the final faceoff to come down to the Houston 2000th Ward Helamans and the Gatlinburg 2nd Ward Ammorons. This would be the first match of its kind, as every player on Houston’s astounding team is technically still considered a youth. They received a team-wide waiver in order to play in the men’s tournament due to their incredible skill, which the players attribute to their “faithful mothers.” However, the Ammoron’s incredible stamina and their ability to run out the clock appears to be unbeatable.

The Harlem 2nd Ward Hagoths did not show up to the tournament and have been unreachable for comment.

 


Image of writers of this article.About the writers: Michael and Carolyn and their kids are a young family of Reese’-egg-loving goofballs. They both graduated in engineering, so their kids’ future nerdiness potential is pretty secure. Still, Carolyn keeps notes on her phone of the funny stuff Michael comes up with for the day he decides to trade his graphing calculator for a stand-up comedian’s mic. “Ain’t gonna happen,” says Michael. Carolyn’s opinion? Be prepared.  
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The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

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