LOGAN, Utah—While the attention of the nation has recently been drawn to the NCAA’s annual college championship, in carpeted cultural halls throughout the country, a similar showdown is taking place.
Known informally as “Mormon March Madness,” the tournament saw its biggest upset in years on Thursday night when the Anchorage 2nd Ward Ammonites came out of nowhere to achieve a resounding victory against their opponents. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a spokesman for the Spokane 3rd Ward Sheep Scatterers from his hospital wing, where he and his entire team lay in double-arm casts. “I’m still counting my blessings, though. We may have lost the game, but at least we weren’t…defeeted.”
Both the Louisville 2nd Ward Lamanites and the Los Angeles 19th Ward Lemuelites lost their matches against the New Orleans 1st Ward Nephites and their sister team, the Shreveport Sams, on the first day of the event. They’re still complaining about it three days later.
The San Francisco 12th Ward Shiz and the West Columbia 1st Ward Coriantumrs went into a record-breaking septuple overtime, with all the players fouling out except their captains. The captain for San Francisco went on to suffer a debilitating neck injury, leading West Columbia to win by default.
Many brackets are projecting the final faceoff to come down to the Houston 2000th Ward Helamans and the Gatlinburg 2nd Ward Ammorons. This would be the first match of its kind, as every player on Houston’s astounding team is technically still considered a youth. They received a team-wide waiver in order to play in the men’s tournament due to their incredible skill, which the players attribute to their “faithful mothers.” However, the Ammoron’s incredible stamina and their ability to run out the clock appears to be unbeatable.
The Harlem 2nd Ward Hagoths did not show up to the tournament and have been unreachable for comment.