TWIN FALLS, Idaho—According to witnesses, 31-year-old brother Jordan Schmidt of Hillcrest 3rd Ward groggily left Sunday’s sacrament meeting sporting a bright red indent across his forehead. Brother Schmidt allegedly continued through the next hour of Sunday School completely unaware of the blatant evidence of his sacramental napping.
Earlier today a Sunday Pews representative sat down with former High Priest Group Leader and expert on intra-sacramental somnolence, brother Harold Stevens, to learn the origin story of marks like these.
“Individuals belonging to wards whose sacrament meetings begin early in the morning or in the midafternoon, as well as individuals who qualify for age-related discount menus at local restaurants, are especially susceptible to the classic pew mark,” he said. “When an overwhelming wave of sleepiness or boredom comes upon an individual in sacrament meeting, they will often rest their foreheads against the top of the pew in front of them. If the individual falls asleep in this position, the pressure of the pew naturally leaves a bright red indentation.”
Sister Barbara Sorenson, who delivered a 23-minute-long message in the meeting, noticed brother Schmidt’s mark soon after the invocation. “I’m an English literature teacher at the high school. We just went over The Scarlet Letter, a story about a woman forced to wear a scarlet badge as public evidence of the mistakes she’d made. It reminded me a lot of brother Schmidt, except he wore his scarlet letter on his forehead, and had no idea,” she said.
Another speaker, 16-year-old brother Daniel Forester, didn’t take the mark too seriously. “When I noticed it I sort of smiled and asked Jordan what he thought about what I had said about Lehi’s Dream in my talk,” he said. “Apparently it was his favorite part of the meeting—he said he’d never looked at that chapter that way before. …My talk was not about Lehi’s Dream.”
Despite knowing snickers from onlookers, brother Schmidt reportedly continued attending his Sunday meetings until the mark, the evidence of his premature Sunday nap, finally faded.
“It was a forgivable rookie mistake,” brother Stevens said. “Luckily he’ll never even know he committed it … unless he reads this. Everyone knows you’ve got to use the Hymnal to act as a buffer between your forehead and the blunt edge of the pew. That’s the only way to avoid the incriminating mark.”
This article is satirical, though I’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of naps during church once or twice. Thankfully, as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said back in 2017, “Church sleep is among the healthiest of all sleeps.”