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The Sunday Pews

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The Sunday Pews

The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

BREAKING: Church Drops Scouting Program, Moms Everywhere “Unsure of What to Nag Sons About Now”

SALT LAKE CITY —  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is breaking ties with the Boy Scouts program and mothers everywhere are asking, "what will I nag my sons about now?" The Church made the announcement Thursday morning, saying the... Continue Reading →

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POLL: Does This Beard-Growing Newly-Released Bishop Still Have a Testimony?

KENNEWICK, Wa. - Newly-released Bishop Garth Shumway of Kennewick Central Ward is growing a beard, sources say.

Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

SCRANTON, Penn. - A local emeritus deacon's quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Local Brother “Wasn’t Planning on Bearing His Testimony Today”

While members agree that it’s not their place to judge, they say their exasperation fell under the category of righteous judgement as the brother read the words “I wasn’t planning on bearing my testimony today” from a printed sheet of paper he took from his pocket at the pulpit.

REVIEW: Deseret Bookshelf Plus – the Best Way to Read Those 374 Gospel Books You’ve Been Meaning to Take a Look at but Haven’t Because You’re Freakin’ Busy All the Time

This post is technically sponsored, but at least it’s not for candles, lipstick or facial cleansers. You’re welcome.

Local Mom Proud, Relieved After Earning Son’s Eagle Scout Rank for Him

OMAHA, Neb - After years of blood, sweat and knots, 46-year-old Dana Peters has finally earned her 17¾-year-old son's Eagle Scout award.

Carpet Cleaners Mistakenly Wash Meetinghouse Walls

UTAH COUNTY - Sources report that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is currently facing a multi-million dollar carpet maintenance bill after a local cleaning company erroneously washed the carpeted floors and carpeted walls of every meetinghouse in Utah County.

Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

Similar to 'rollover minutes' in many cell phone plans, 'rollover visits' allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it "contrived, selfish and just totally not cool".

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