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The Sunday Pews

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The Sunday Pews

The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

Similar to 'rollover minutes' in many cell phone plans, 'rollover visits' allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

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YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it "contrived, selfish and just totally not cool".

Convert Testimony Strengthened by Oblivious Senior Missionary Couple Who Should Have Died “About 17 Times by Now”

LONDON - Logic, common sense and science all suggest that Elder Gene Hardy, 73, and Sister Sheila Hardy, 71, should have been killed in any number of ways months ago. At least, that's what recent convert Brian Shephard says.

Missionaries Find Isolated All-Male Tribe of Chair-Stacking Enthusiasts, Baptisms Skyrocket

CAMBODIA - March 15th was just a normal day for two humble missionaries scouring the Cambodian bush for new investigators, but the moment they stumbled upon two towering monoliths of stacked chairs they knew they were onto something extraordinary.

Elderly Sister Completely Unaware that her Flatulence is 100% Audible

“What she doesn’t need is a bunch of deacons and high priests whispering behind her back, using inappropriate terms like the vapor caper, pucker chuckle and even Satan’s bugle."

A Hungry Brother Goes Searching for Loose Cheerios in the Pews – You Won’t Believe What Happens Next

LONDON - Brother Harold Frederick forgot to eat breakfast before church meetings on Sunday. So, like any self-respecting 40-year-old does, he began to scour the pews for the half-eaten cheerios graciously left between the cushions by the ward’s regular nursery attendees.

Latter-day Saint Family has Record-Breaking 3-Minute-Long FHE

PRESTON, Idaho - In an unprecedented move that definitely doesn’t happen every week, the Gardiner family managed to hold their entire Family Home Evening in just 180 seconds, sources say.

Local Brother Just Reads Autobiography to Congregation During Testimony Mtg.

SAINT GEORGE, Utah – Brother Dennis Miller, 48, of the Casablanca 1st Ward dropped all pretense during Sunday’s testimony meeting and simply started reading from his 953-page self-published autobiography.

Heavily-Perfumed Elderly Sister Prompts Use of Gas Masks in Relief Society

LAS VEGAS, Nev. - Sister Agatha Crabapple of Sandhill 1st Ward, 82, has attended Relief Society every week for the last 64 years. So has her Chanel No. 5.

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