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The Sunday Pews

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The Sunday Pews

The Church is true. The doctrines are true. The Book of Mormon is what Joseph Smith said it is. That being said, we Mormons can be pretty goofy sometimes. The Sunday Pews aims to poke fun at the human quirks specific to our subculture, not the sacred doctrines we hold so dear. All articles are satirical in nature.

15 Signs You’re Just There for the Refreshments

"But will there be food?"

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Temple Attendance Triples in Preparation for Holy War

"Temples across Utah have seen an unprecedented amount of traffic over the past week. The Brethren had hoped this influx was due to a renewed effort to perform saving ordinances for deceased ancestors, but analysts confirm that the more likely cause is the 'Holy War' football game between BYU and Utah."

Overbearing Relief Society Causes Bleeding Ulcer; Visits Sister in Hospital

AMERICAN FORK, Utah—Sister Samantha Grimes, 28, is recovering from a gastric ulcer reportedly caused by an overbearing local Relief Society. 

‘Uh Sorry, Where Are We?’ Says Brother in Gospel Doctrine When Asked to Read

NEPHI, Utah—An 11-readers-long scripture snake was abruptly halted today after one brother was caught "off-guard" when it came to his turn to read.

Desperate Sister Does Best to Guilt Members Into Joining Ward Choir

PLEASANT GROVE, Utah—Several members left a Utah County Sunday School class feeling slightly guilty after Sister Debra Shields, 41, did her best to manipulate members' into joining the ward choir.

73 Things Still Less Awkward Than a YSA Bishopric’s Chastity Lesson

The Law of Chastity is a blessing. Bishoprics that are uncomfortable teaching it are a curse.

BREAKING: Church Drops Scouting Program, Moms Everywhere “Unsure of What to Nag Sons About Now”

SALT LAKE CITY —  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is breaking ties with the Boy Scouts program and mothers everywhere are asking, "what will I nag my sons about now?" The Church made the announcement Thursday morning, saying the... Continue Reading →

POLL: Does This Beard-Growing Newly-Released Bishop Still Have a Testimony?

KENNEWICK, Wa. - Newly-released Bishop Garth Shumway of Kennewick Central Ward is growing a beard, sources say.

Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

SCRANTON, Penn. - A local emeritus deacon's quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

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