The Sunday Pews



73 Things Still Less Awkward Than a YSA Bishopric’s Chastity Lesson

The Law of Chastity is a blessing. Bishoprics that are uncomfortable teaching it are a curse.


Sac. Mtg. Speaker Tests Bishop’s Patience With Slew of Alternative Swear Words

PRESTON, Idaho — "I read the fetchin' Book of Mormon, and dang it all to heck, it's freakin' true."

POLL: Does This Beard-Growing Newly-Released Bishop Still Have a Testimony?

KENNEWICK, Wa. - Newly-released Bishop Garth Shumway of Kennewick Central Ward is growing a beard, sources say.

Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

SCRANTON, Penn. - A local emeritus deacon's quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Bishop Silences His Irreverent Kids With Intense Smile From the Stand

PRICE, Utah - To the general membership of Clearwater 1st Ward, Bishop Charles Stanley is all smiles - but when his kids are misbehaving during Sacrament Meeting that Mona Lisa smile takes on a double-meaning that is not to be ignored.

Convert Testimony Strengthened by Oblivious Senior Missionary Couple Who Should Have Died “About 17 Times by Now”

LONDON - Logic, common sense and science all suggest that Elder Gene Hardy, 73, and Sister Sheila Hardy, 71, should have been killed in any number of ways months ago. At least, that's what recent convert Brian Shephard says.

Local Brother Just Reads Autobiography to Congregation During Testimony Mtg.

SAINT GEORGE, Utah – Brother Dennis Miller, 48, of the Casablanca 1st Ward dropped all pretense during Sunday’s testimony meeting and simply started reading from his 953-page self-published autobiography.

Sunday School Instructor Waits 72 Hours for “a Volunteer to Say Closing Prayer”

SPRINGVILLE, Utah - Members of the Springville 1st Ward Gospel Doctrine class avoided eye contact with instructor Carolyn Peters for an entire three days after Sister Peters called for a volunteer to say closing prayer.

Members Pretend Not to Hear Brother Snoring During Sac. Mtg.

BOULDER, Colo. - Members of Mountain Crest Ward seated within a 40-foot radius of Brother Gary Yates pretended not to hear him snoring throughout Sacrament Meeting on Sunday, sources say.

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