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The Sunday Pews

Carpet Cleaners Mistakenly Wash Meetinghouse Walls

UTAH COUNTY - Sources report that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is currently facing a multi-million dollar carpet maintenance bill after a local cleaning company erroneously washed the carpeted floors and carpeted walls of every meetinghouse in Utah County.

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Church Announces New Primary Session of General Conference

SALT LAKE CITY - A spokesman from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the addition of a new session of General Conference specific to Primary-aged children.

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Bishop Silences His Irreverent Kids With Intense Smile From the Stand

PRICE, Utah - To the general membership of Clearwater 1st Ward, Bishop Charles Stanley is all smiles - but when his kids are misbehaving during Sacrament Meeting that Mona Lisa smile takes on a double-meaning that is not to be ignored.

Utahns to be Chastened With 40 Years of Road Work

"It's a nightmare of biblical proportions. Traffic, early-morning noise, chaos and destruction everywhere. Send the flies. Send the frogs. Send the Jehovah's Witnesses for all I care - anything but construction. My testimony just can't handle it."

Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

Similar to 'rollover minutes' in many cell phone plans, 'rollover visits' allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

Local Teens Struggle to Get Mom Out of Bed for Early-Morning Seminary

LAYTON, Utah - To local teens Gary and Judy Youngston every morning is the same. They get up, brush their teeth, make their lunches and then confront the sleeping giant - Mom.

YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it "contrived, selfish and just totally not cool".

Convert Testimony Strengthened by Oblivious Senior Missionary Couple Who Should Have Died “About 17 Times by Now”

LONDON - Logic, common sense and science all suggest that Elder Gene Hardy, 73, and Sister Sheila Hardy, 71, should have been killed in any number of ways months ago. At least, that's what recent convert Brian Shephard says.

Missionaries Find Isolated All-Male Tribe of Chair-Stacking Enthusiasts, Baptisms Skyrocket

CAMBODIA - March 15th was just a normal day for two humble missionaries scouring the Cambodian bush for new investigators, but the moment they stumbled upon two towering monoliths of stacked chairs they knew they were onto something extraordinary.

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