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Local Youth Annihilates Candy Crush Record During Stake Dance

UMATILLA, Ore. - Newly ordained Priest Timothy Sterling, or as his fellow quorum members refer to him, "The GOAT", totally smashed his Candy Crush record during Saturday night's stake dance, sources say.

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POLL: Does This Beard-Growing Newly-Released Bishop Still Have a Testimony?

KENNEWICK, Wa. - Newly-released Bishop Garth Shumway of Kennewick Central Ward is growing a beard, sources say.

Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

SCRANTON, Penn. - A local emeritus deacon's quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Local Brother “Wasn’t Planning on Bearing His Testimony Today”

While members agree that it’s not their place to judge, they say their exasperation fell under the category of righteous judgement as the brother read the words “I wasn’t planning on bearing my testimony today” from a printed sheet of paper he took from his pocket at the pulpit.

Utahns to be Chastened With 40 Years of Road Work

"It's a nightmare of biblical proportions. Traffic, early-morning noise, chaos and destruction everywhere. Send the flies. Send the frogs. Send the Jehovah's Witnesses for all I care - anything but construction. My testimony just can't handle it."

Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

Similar to 'rollover minutes' in many cell phone plans, 'rollover visits' allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

Local Teens Struggle to Get Mom Out of Bed for Early-Morning Seminary

LAYTON, Utah - To local teens Gary and Judy Youngston every morning is the same. They get up, brush their teeth, make their lunches and then confront the sleeping giant - Mom.

YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it "contrived, selfish and just totally not cool".

LDSLeaks Reveals First Presidency’s Toothpaste Brand of Choice, Testimonies Crumbling Worldwide

SALT LAKE CITY - In an unexpected move that has sent shockwaves throughout the general membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, LDSLeaks has publicized classified information regarding the Brethren's favorite dental hygiene paste.

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