News from the Pews
UMATILLA, Ore. – Newly ordained Priest Timothy Sterling, or as his fellow quorum members refer to him, “The GOAT”, totally smashed his Candy Crush record during Saturday night’s stake dance, sources say.
KENNEWICK, Wa. – Newly-released Bishop Garth Shumway of Kennewick Central Ward is growing a beard, sources say.
SCRANTON, Penn. – A local emeritus deacon’s quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.
While members agree that it’s not their place to judge, they say their exasperation fell under the category of righteous judgement as the brother read the words “I wasn’t planning on bearing my testimony today” from a printed sheet of paper he took from his pocket at the pulpit.
UTAH COUNTY – Sources report that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is currently facing a multi-million dollar carpet maintenance bill after a local cleaning company erroneously washed the carpeted floors and carpeted walls of every meetinghouse in Utah County.
SALT LAKE CITY – A spokesman from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the addition of a new session of General Conference specific to Primary-aged children.
PRICE, Utah – To the general membership of Clearwater 1st Ward, Bishop Charles Stanley is all smiles – but when his kids are misbehaving during Sacrament Meeting that Mona Lisa smile takes on a double-meaning that is not to be ignored.
“It’s a nightmare of biblical proportions. Traffic, early-morning noise, chaos and destruction everywhere. Send the flies. Send the frogs. Send the Jehovah’s Witnesses for all I care – anything but construction. My testimony just can’t handle it.”
Similar to ‘rollover minutes’ in many cell phone plans, ‘rollover visits’ allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.
