PRICE, Utah - To the general membership of Clearwater 1st Ward, Bishop Charles Stanley is all smiles - but when his kids are misbehaving during Sacrament Meeting that Mona Lisa smile takes on a double-meaning that is not to be ignored.
"It's a nightmare of biblical proportions. Traffic, early-morning noise, chaos and destruction everywhere. Send the flies. Send the frogs. Send the Jehovah's Witnesses for all I care - anything but construction. My testimony just can't handle it."
Similar to 'rollover minutes' in many cell phone plans, 'rollover visits' allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.
LAYTON, Utah - To local teens Gary and Judy Youngston every morning is the same. They get up, brush their teeth, make their lunches and then confront the sleeping giant - Mom.
Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it "contrived, selfish and just totally not cool".
LONDON - Logic, common sense and science all suggest that Elder Gene Hardy, 73, and Sister Sheila Hardy, 71, should have been killed in any number of ways months ago. At least, that's what recent convert Brian Shephard says.
SALT LAKE CITY - In an unexpected move that has sent shockwaves throughout the general membership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, LDSLeaks has publicized classified information regarding the Brethren's favorite dental hygiene paste.
“What she doesn’t need is a bunch of deacons and high priests whispering behind her back, using inappropriate terms like the vapor caper, pucker chuckle and even Satan’s bugle."
LONDON - Brother Harold Frederick forgot to eat breakfast before church meetings on Sunday. So, like any self-respecting 40-year-old does, he began to scour the pews for the half-eaten cheerios graciously left between the cushions by the ward’s regular nursery attendees.