The Sunday Pews



Convert Testimony Strengthened by Oblivious Senior Missionary Couple Who Should Have Died “About 17 Times by Now”

LONDON - Logic, common sense and science all suggest that Elder Gene Hardy, 73, and Sister Sheila Hardy, 71, should have been killed in any number of ways months ago. At least, that's what recent convert Brian Shephard says.


Elderly Sister Completely Unaware that her Flatulence is 100% Audible

“What she doesn’t need is a bunch of deacons and high priests whispering behind her back, using inappropriate terms like the vapor caper, pucker chuckle and even Satan’s bugle."

Heavily-Perfumed Elderly Sister Prompts Use of Gas Masks in Relief Society

LAS VEGAS, Nev. - Sister Agatha Crabapple of Sandhill 1st Ward, 82, has attended Relief Society every week for the last 64 years. So has her Chanel No. 5.

Relief Society Instructor Centerpiece Feud Escalates, Meetinghouse Ignites

SAN FRANCISCO - Sisters Beth Holladay and Karen Harvey were released from the callings as Relief Society instructors in the Redwood 5th Ward on Sunday after members say classroom tabletop centerpieces went "a bit over the top".

Chorister Runs Out of Obscure Hymns for Sac. Mtg., Resorts to 1908 Hymnal

PENDLETON, Ore. - After 15 years of choosing the most obscure, melodically confusing and unsingable hymns for Sacrament Meeting, Sister Ruth Hedges, 64, has finally started choosing hymns from her grandmother's 1908 hymnal, Songs of Zion.

Area Sister Translated After Record Breaking 37-Minute Closing Prayer

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - An area woman is rumored to have been translated Sunday 19th February after a series of viral tweets report she simply disappeared from the pulpit during a record-breaking 37-minute-long-and-still-going prayer.

Area Sister Fakes Death After Devastating Calling to be Girl’s Camp Director

BOISE, Idaho - After a comprehensive search of the greater Boise area that began almost two weeks ago, authorities say they have found 32-year-old Sister Rebecca Todd alive and well in an abandoned potato field.

Relief Society Attendees Each Receive a Roast Turkey As “Small Treat” to Help Remember Lesson

CEDAR CITY, Utah - In a stunning gesture of compassionate service, Sister Heather Loveli prepared and distributed whole roast turkeys to each student in her Relief Society class on Sunday.

Aspiring Singer Uses Megaphone During Hymns, Just in Case You Couldn’t Hear Her Before

PORTLAND, Ore - Members of the Sandbutte Ward are still singing praises to one sister who, to everyone's utter enjoyment, officially sings louder than the rest of the congregation combined.

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